Yes of course I think
I have a problem. Just last week I got controlled into robbing three banks
and a 7-11. I just don't get why I'm so weakwilled when it comes to the
supervillianesses, I mean past the obvious, I mean... Maybe I just don't
know what I mean and that's why I'm asking for help...
Victory, who is fighting
the urge to ask for hypnotherapy..
I still don't see it!!*grin* But if ya think ya got a prob, then I spose
it's my duty as yer psychologist ta give ya an answer!!!!!
know I think the only way ya'll attain peace and comfort is by givin in
to these urges!!!! Once you've done that, you'll find the guilt and stress
will go away, and you'll be able to wholeheartedly embrace a life of crime
and such...forget this goody-two-shoes bizzness.....I mean, Stuporman's
the ultimate Boy-Scout and look how he turned out!!!!!
see, the whole time I wuz fixin Mistah J up, I always wanted to just take
him into my office and do the vertical mambo, hear what I'm sayin? But
until I joined up with him, I'd feel overwhelming guilt about that. Now,
your desire to be controlled by bad girls is actually a subconscious desire
to join a life of crime. Give in to it, and you'll find ya don't feel so
bad afta all!!!! In fact, you'll have more fun, look betta and be more
feared than ya eva have before!!! =D
Harleen Quinzel - just your friendly, neighbourhood ECT prescriber.
Dear Dr. Quinzel,
I have this problem.. Well
it's not my problem it's my boss...er... my friend... You see, she has
this abusive boyfriend.. I tell her many times that he's no good for her.
He cheats on her, he stares at me through his video device while I'm taking
a shower, and he hits her... THAT ONE BOTHERS ME THE MOST! Anyway... she
won't listen to me... I know she says she loves him. I know that she'll
never really get over him, but does she have to degrade herself while she's
with him? Is there anything I can do to help her get understand that she
could and should stand up for herself? *sigh* I just want her to be safe
that's all... I love her... I want her to be in best possible condition...
You understand right?
Thank you for your time.
COLUMBS....er...I mean Patient Girl I Neva Seen Before....
(ya gotta tell me more of this chickie lata honey, is she someone I know?!?!)
All I can say is...I'm sure you're seeing it alot worse than it actually
is!! I mean c'mon...my puddin knocks me around a bit...tho I know
he'd NEVA cheat on me....but it's only when I mess up or make a mistake
or sumthin ya know? He does it PURELY fer my own good!! So I learn from
my mistakes etc....
sure you'll find that this is simply the situation here....try listening
to what your friend has to say....I can see you're doing what you think
is right, but if it were really all that bad, why would she love him so
much? Ya see, lovin someone is NOT degradation...it is wholesome and pure
and a wonderful thing to submit yourself entirely to the one you love....it
shows how ready and open your heart is...and ensures a perfect and wonderful
life with the Joker of my dreams...*sigh*......OH!Sorry,just day-dreamin
again, hehe. Anyhowz, that's all ya gotta know!I'm, sure you'll understand
your friend betta now...and one day...it coudl happen to you =D
Quinn - Being of Love and Psychological Wisdom.
To Dr. Quinnzell(Did I spell
your name right?)
I am a lone character in
my own dimension. I've been sent to my "room" by Uncle Jason and I have
no fun in my life. Can you give me suggestions that will energize me?
Klarion the Witchboy
I ain't neva been in yer situation before....so I reeeeeally couldn't say
- my Puddin would be much better at this. I guess - oh hang on! I'll ask
well Puddin says to skewer your uncle thru the nose (eeeeewwwwww) and swing
him around by his....erm....hehe.You know. Then Puddin says "The World
is Your Oyster" HUH??? I dont' get it. I guess what he's tryin ta say that
if yer all that powerful as Etrigan(ultra-good buddy of mah man) says,
then you could wreck some serious havoc here on Earth!!!
I should just let Mistah J handle this....
Harley - nothing compared to the Man Behind Her.
Dear Dr. Quinzelle,
The problem is, is that
I'm in love with your Mistah J. He is sooooooooooooooooooo fine. I don't
want to take him away from you, but I just can't help it. Every time I
see him he just makes me drool. I can't help it. Boy, you sure know how
to pick the guys. When it comes to manliness he's got it!!!!!! How can
I find someone just like him, that way I won't have to steel him from ya.
I really hope you can help because I don't know if I can stay away much
longer. So please email me back soon. Hope you can help.
MAN?!??! WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YA, I'M GONNA - - HEY!
GETCHA HANDS OFFA ME YA DIRTY ROTTEN GUARDS - - - NO! I DO NOT NEED
A STRAIT JACKET - -- - ARGH! NOT THE NEEDLEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee.......................ughhhhhh...........
This is Dr. Joan Leland,
Miss Quinn's psychiatrist. Unfortunately(?) - Harley has had to be sedated
and confined to her cell. At any rate, her "psychoanalysis" was unathorised
and should not be taken as factual or reliable. Allow me to assist you.
Firstly: The Joker
is not the kind of man you want. He is an extremely dangerous individual
who should not be allowed hear the rest of humanity. I strongly urge you
seek psychological counselling to help you push away this morbid infatuation
and seek a man who is psychologically stable. If you find you find this
method inaffective I would suggest a small amount of time in an institution.Feel
free to contact me any time.
Dr. Joan Leland.
Dear Dr. Quinzel,
Please!!! Help me! I have been acting
weird the last week! I've been avoiding people and feel no self worth what-so-eva!
My bestest, best friend is in Idaho and I feel so alone. With out her,
I can't talk ta anyone with out coiling up and feeling foolish. She is
also the one who is trying to hook me up with this guy (who has a great
deal of "Puddin' potential", if ya know what i mean) and I can't talk to
him because, eva since she had gone, I am afraid. It's like a peice of
me left with her. What do I do Dr. Quinzel. I feel like I am going insane,
but, isn't crazy supposed to be more fun?
Lonely in Loonyville
You are a PRIME
example of the way our Warped Society has made the most normal of us feel
peculiar. Ta me: ya don't got no probs!! Sure, not been able ta talk to
ya bestest buddy (I'd die if I couldn't talk ta Ivy and Columbine and the
rest of the CLA) is a huge difficult challenge, but you'll overcome it
cuz you'll become stronger!! Ya know what the best thing to do is? Talk
to your walls!! Trust me they are such good listeners, and if ya keep it
up, they talk back!!! They're full of good advice.SERIOUSLY!!!"Rob that
bank" "Kill that Pig" - man, the walls are full of wisdom, cuz they listen
more than talk!! And crazy is defineetly more fun. All those nasty inhibtions
just go floating outta the window!! Go mad and come visit us in Arkham!
We['d love ta have ya! (Puddin wants me to add "for dinner" here, he he,
he's such a card!!)
It's me again... the umm...*Coughs and
looks around embarassed* hero, Victory. You're right... I read through
your reply...*while I happened to be in a villianess's hypnotic trance...*
and it all makes sense now... I wanna change... cross the tracks to the
side of the bad guys... but I need help... C..could you offer a hand?
In need of help,
dude, I'm bored with yer problems. Get ova it!!!
Whats up, Doc?
heehee! just kidding! Hi Harley, dear!
How've ya been? YEA YEA CLA!!! WHOO-HOO!!
heh heh heh...
Ok, down to business. It seems I have
a bit of a problem..AGAIN!!
Ya see, Harl, before i came a searchin
for my dearest father and met you, I had a lover back in Paris who called
himself Death. He is a wonderful assassin, though not on my level naturally,
and is quite handsome...but he's not as fun ta be around as the CLA. My
trouble is this: i started a group of assassins under my leadership who
want me to come back to them and leave the CLA! im not gonna leave ya'll...but
what should i tell them?
Or should i just kill em all? i could
easily do so...
Well, Buki, first
of all - - MRHPMMHHHHH!!!!!
Stand aside Harley-Girl
- let a professional with a bit of panache handle this.
Kabuki, my dear.
As your reluctant father, (and God, I'm sure) I know you'll take my advice
on board and follow it to the letter.
Well, quite simply
if you don't, I'll rip your lungs out. 'Kay?
To business. Kill them all!! They're in the past, and from what I've seen
of them, incompetents anyway! All so grim! Do they never smile?
Tell them? Why
bother? Lure them to a secluded hideaway, under the pretence of rejoining
their gang and let them experience the final moments in a climax of terror
and betrayal!! hahahaha.
And let me watch,
I'm the only
one worth your time. Turn stoolie,and I'll be forced to "do you in", Spawn
of My Virile Loins.
But tell 'em
where to go, and I'll be proud to call you "daughter"
Clown Prince of Crime
hehe....what a guy!!!!!!!!!!
Harley.. er... Doctor...
You see... How should I say this? My father...
well... not my real father. My real father is in his stupid mansion sucking
up oysters with my mom. My mentor... well... he died a long time ago in
my arms... Ever since then I had this tremendous need to protect my loved
ones and train till my knuckles bleed so that I wouldn't feel weak... Do
you think I need some counseling? Dr. Leland keeps nagging me about it.
Oh and another thing... This guy I used to work for when I was a little
kid, Lupin. He's the leader of the thieves guild in France. Well anyway
he found out I was still alive. You see I faked my death to get away from
them... Anywho.. He's tellin' me I have to go back to France... Can you
do me a favor and ask Joker to tell him to F*ck Off? I figure Joker is
intimidating enough to get Lupin off my back... Thanks... And I LOVE YA
HARLS!! Er... Doctor.. I mean...
I mean patient.
Naaaah, I don't think so!!!! At least ya have the dedication and commitment
needed to be a tru friend!!!Sheesh! These psychaitrists - I dunno! Anyhowz,
you just keep right on training, knowin that you are doin what few pple
have the courage to do for their friends!!!!!!Im soooo lucky to have someone
like you!!!Counselling would only crush your desire to be a real friend,
and be like the rest of the world. As fer Lupin - ah, Mistah J already
bumped him off. Hope that's ok, but he gets really touche about anyone
edgin in, even tho he's neva even round to supervise the CLA and I practically
run the whole thing all by my--.....oh er, nothin Mistah J!!hehe *gulp*
I'm a victim of circumstance! I had a
job at a chemical plant, and there was an attempt on my life... To make
a long story short, the chemicals I fell in made me look like the Joker,
but I'm not him, and so they through me in Arkahm! I'm not nuts! WHAT SHOULD
I DO TO STOP THIS???!!! I want cosmetic surgery back to my old self!
The Laughing Man
I don't think yer prob is that the docs are mistaken you for my man (tho
HOW they could do that I don't know, ya ain't got nothin on his style,
handsomeness or brains) I think yer prob is ya DON'T wanna look like him!HELLO!!
Mistah J is THE sex-god of sex-gods, you should be thanking yer lucky stars
Dr Quinn - in
no mood for quips!!
ayo Doc Harley-har-har! I got a HUGE
whenever I hear a song or see a music
video on MTV or somethin,I cant help but sing that song! my friends are
annoyed by that,and so am I! its like a second personality or somethin
Doc! for example,earlier today,I turned to MTV and I saw "Wrong Way" by
Sublime...and I couldnt help but sing it,and the strangest thing of all
was I knew the lyrics to it,and I only seen it 2 times...help me...please
Ayo Mc Knight!!!
Ya know what
I think? I think you should turn into a form of supervillainy!!! Yeah!
I mean - we've got a dude obsessed with riddles, a dude obsessed with numbers,
a chick obsessed with plants, and a chick obsessed with a murderous psychotic
cown *ahem* but we don't got noone obsessed with singing songs!! And the
fact that everyone condemns ya for it just adds angst and motive to yer
cause!!Wheeee!! It'd be sooo much fun you could call yourself the MTV Marauder
or SuperBad Songstress or somethin kewl like that!!
Wishin ya all
Harley of the
Good Samaritan Psychos! (yeah Im jewish, dont mean I don't know what a
Dear Lady-like ma'am, right?
Listen, I didn't want to write this, but
Superboy dared me to. Y'see me, Superboy, and Robin all know who the Joker
is....but we can't figure out who you are! Rob's all smart, right? But
he can't find any reference to you in our universe and stuff. So, like,
my guess, you're from the future, right? You're actually a Flash villain,
P.S. Ah...Don't tell Max I wrote this,
OK? Please? Please? Please?
P.S.S. Oh yeah, Superboy wants to add
that I'm, like, insane and stuff and, to, like, help me. Like he's one
to talk, right?
Who am I? WHO
AM I?? WHY YOU CRETIN!!! I am HARLEY QUINN NOT just "The Joker's Groupie"
but my OWN person!! I'm a supervillain in my own right, and if you don't
think I can be devious and diabolical, why just step a little closer, I'll
give ya the whuppin of a lifetime!!!!!
I am not from
the future!!! What the hell is Flash? If you must know *I* have *no* idea
who you and "Superboy" *spit spit* are, but I sure know who BirdBoy is,
so I figure you can't be all that great big shots ya big phooeys!!
dea doc. I, the Juggalo, am also a deranged-psycopathic-mass-slaughterin'
clown. I run with my crew, the carnival, but we have the misfortune of
having these two lil' punk-ass freeks called squirlboy and fatass, two
batman and supaman wanabes, that keep annoing us, afta' feeding them to
a pack of rabid moths, they are no longa a annoyins, but we are bored from
all the kfc's and 7-11 we distroy. Help!
I understand that you have biiiiiig problems. For exmaple: Your name. It
just SCREAMS cellulite!! Never Fear, Doc Harley is here!!
Iffn I'm to unnerstand
yer totally illiterate an scribbly 'scuse for a scrwal, ya alreayd done
away with the B-man wannabes, and yer REAL prob is that ya don't know what
ya do with yerself no more! Ok!
My advice is
this: TOTAL IMAGE CHANGE.
I mean, The Carnival?
Ok it might look good in theory, but kiddies tend to go "whee the Carnival
is coming to town yippe" instead of "The Carnival?Oh no I think I made
a mess in my pants!" This is why yer attackin 7-11s and KFCs you are subconcsiouly
following yer own wussy image!! If you make yerselves more scary and threatening,
you will have loads of bril ideas popin out one after the other! I know
whatcha thinkin - but my Puddin takes the image of a clown and everyone
is scared of him! That's because my Puddin is a GENIUS!! You can't expect
to pull it off so effortlessly as him, so I'd cut yer losses and begin
Harls the Barls
Dear Dr. Quinzel,
I've lost the will
to live. I'm a big blue dork with red underwear and I think that your boyfriend
should get some kryptonite and shove it down my throat so he can put me
out of my misery. I hate the people around me, they can't realize that
I'm a big stupid moron whose only disguise is a dinky pair of glasses.
I wish I could be more like Mr. Mxyzptlk; Mxyzptlk's the greatest being
of all time. Anyway I don't deserve to live, and when I die I hope I don't
come back as 4 different people like the last time. Or that I turn into
some electrical person with a new costume *shudder*. Could you ask your
boyfriend to kill me? It'd make me very happy.
Clark Ke--hey what
are you....HEY LET GO OF ME!!! AAAUUUUGGGGH!!!!
That's enough Mr.
Hey ya blue buffoon!!!
It's not Kltpzyxm, it's Mxyz....aw crap. *pop*
Sorry about that
Ms. Quinzel, it seems that....this annoying little man from a 5 dimension
twice removed from ours tried to get rid of me by having me killed by the
Joker....don't worry though; he's back in his world now. Hmmmm...wait a
minute..... aren't you a bit too deranged to be dispensing advice?
Clark Ke--ahh, Superman
I finally know Superham's secret identity!! MR MXYZPTLK!!!!
Oh boy oh boy
just wait till I tell Mistah J!! He's gonna plotz! He'll be overjooed!
I'll get a raise! Then HE'LL get a raise!!tee hee! Things will be spiffy!
Er - ahem!! Anyhoo,
yes Stuporman, I know ya thought you'd outwit me by pretending Mxy was
some other dude, but it was only a matter of time afore I saw thru yer
disguise - but as ya came to me for advice, here tis:
Yes, you are
a big blue dork,and it's extremely therapeutical you can admit it. It's
also time you changed yer undies!
Dr Quinzel TRIUMPHANT!
Dear Dr. Quinzel,
Um, I'm probably a stranger to you, seeing
as how I'm from Japan and what not, but I heard that you give really good
advice so I thought I'd take a shot. I have a problem with my pet. It seems
that my Pikachu won't listen to me!! When I'm gonna compete with someone
in a match and I call him forth, he just sits there and does nothing! I
say, "Pikachu, I choose you!" and he just acts like he's all high and mighty
and won't listen to me! And because of him I end up losing! I get so jealous
every time I see my friends Misty and Brock--they actually have control
of their pokemon! I'm about ready to just give him to Team Rocket--they're
always following me because they want to catch my Pikachu. They're a pain
in my side too, but at least they can be reasonable! Pikachu never listens,
never does anything! Stupid yellow marshmallow rat! You have pets don't
you? Can you relate to what I'm saying? What should I do?
Ash Ketchum (the greatest pokemon master
in the world!!!)
Just throw it
a steak. Always works for the babies.
Dear Dr. Quinzel,
I'm having a problem with my boyfriend.
It's bad enough that we're both from a 1,000 year old kingdom from the
past and we were born again on this earth as superheroes to fight people
from the dark side of the moon and such, but now he says that he doesn't
have enough time for me! Oh please, like the fate of the universe is *so*
important! OUCH! Dammit Luna, don't scratch me while I'm writing! Anyway,
my boyfriend Darien....he's really not such a bad guy....he's majorly dreamy.....how
I love his tuxedo....mmmm....and he loves roses too!! He's very romantic
like that!!=) But every time I wanna do something with him, he always says
that the fate of the galaxy is more important!! More important than ME?!?!?!
Honestly! And then I got this stupid pink haired girl that is supposedly
my daughter from the future treating me like crap and taking my man away
from me!! AARGH, I HATE THAT STUPID LITTLE FLAMINGO HEAD!! *sigh*
Sorry doc, I just thought that you could
relate, what with your boyfriend not always having time for you. But at
least when your boyfriend treats you badly, he doesn't blame it on a stupid
spell or trance from the negaverse!! Is that the oldest excuse in the book
So could ya help me doc? That would be
wicked cool of ya!
--the moonlight is the message of love^_^
The Moonlight is
the message of love?????Say what? What kinda gloopey thing is that to say??Yeesh!
ANYHOO, Doc Harley'll
tellya what to do! 86 him! Yes you heard me! Bump this guy off!!
Trance from the
neagverse? Oy, he's just making words up now!!! He's goin out with yer
daughter?!?!?!!? Oh that is the WORST kind of betrayal! Roses? Phaw!All
men pull that old stunt!!! Mistah J always brings me acid spewing orchids....*sigh*
now THAT'S a way to tell a fella loves ya!
AND I'll tell
ya somethin...the REASON Mistah J don't got lots of time for me, is cuz
he's working towards a future when we CAN be together! treats me badly??
Dont' believe everythin you read in the noospaper!!!
This guy is just
so obviously a dork. Dump him,and I'll setcha up with someone nice!! Let's
see.....Pefesser Crane ..nah,...to bizzy with that fear gas stuff....Ventriolquist?
Hmm...Scarface might get in the way.....let's see who else we got....
Dear Dr. Quinzel,
Small problem here. A few weeks ago I
found out my prick of a boyfriend was cheating on me with my best friend.
So I tried to kill him. Nothing wrong with that, right? He deserved it,
right? But the little brat starts bawlin and screaming while I'm cutting
out his kidneys, and Batsy there takes it as a cry for help. Comes swooping
down, breaks my window, and knocks me out with, of all things, a chair
to the head. At least I got to bloody him a bit first. But I wind up stuck
in Arkham with nothin to do but stare at the wall (apparently they were
concerned that I'd offed some people I didn't like with an extention cord
a few months back, too)
Anyway, they say I need a lot of help
before they let me outta here. You seem smarter that these brain-dead doctors.
Do you know a good way NOT to kill people that piss you off? I tried all
that crud like counting to ten and beating a pillow to death. Just makes
it so I count, kill the pillow, THEN kill them.
Well, Diamond my
dear. First I want you to think very carefully: did you do anything to
maybe make your boyfriend want to cheat on you? Did you keep his socks
together? Did you iron his boxer shorts? Did you make him his favourite
meals? Or did you maybe worry too much about yer career or sumpin?
Now never you
fear, cuz Doc Harley sez: YES yer RIGHT for trying to dust him off for
screwing around on ya BUT you HAVE to consider yer own actions. P'raps
you just DROVE him away!! Ya see, the reason Mistah J and me have such
a great and loyal relationship is cuz I am ALWAYS thinkin about HIS needs!
This makes sure he's with me always!
As for B-MAN
GRRRRRRR.....listen honey, that loser is ALWAYS inteferin in other peoples
fun!!!! He's abully! He's a pig!A fascist!!! forget abowt him!!!!!!
BUT ya know,
it's weird, anyoe who tries to exact welldeserved vengeance on their foes
- they always seem to end up in Arkham!I don't know why!!! Society is so
warped these days. A good way NOT to kill pple who make me cranky? Hmmm......well......how
about....er.....WAIT a sec...I'll ask Mistah J (HEY it's always good to
get the advice of other brillyant folks when yer workin on something!)
OK Mistah J says - do somethin awful to their family!! Yeah! Why didn't
I thinka that? That is a fabulous idea! Do something awful to their family!
Dr Quinzel, she
puts the "Psych" in "Psychologist"!
I have a problem. I keep hearing voices.
I don't know what to do. At first it was kinda cool. They gave me great
ideas for fun, like tripping little kids in the hallway and shredding some
jerk's homework. But lately, they've been saying things like "be nice to
your sister," "cleanliness is godliness," and "space is the place." I just
don't get it. And when I ignore them, they start singing. Really bad. What
can I do about this? I just can't go on. Help! Athena
ta Doc Harley like your voices is the ones whaat need some advice!!!! Ya
know what my adviceis? Bring your voices in to me, and I'll sit down and
have a nice long chat with them, and work out what's makin em talk so crazy!!!
BUT HURRY! Afore ya know it, you'll be TAKING their advice!!
Dr Quinzel -
gets straight to the heart of a problem, then eats it!
QUINZEL - CONTINUED!
TO THE HAVEN